It has been almost two months since my last entry. I can pretend that everything is fine but the truth is that I am having a difficult time working through my grief. I have experienced grief in different ways and at different times in my life, but I never knew what it was like to truly miss someone once they are gone. My grandfather passed away two and a half years ago and really, it seems like yesterday. He was an amazing man and there aren’t enough words to describe how much he meant to every person he met.
His death was unexpected. He died within 24 hours of finding out he was even sick. My family and I are still trying to recover from this loss. Now my paternal grandfather is very sick with terminal pancreatic cancer.
It is inconceivable to me that someone could look perfectly fine, meanwhile their body is defying them. I emotionally and physically cannot deal with the lives of my family members hanging in the balance. Every phone call and text is terrifying. The truth is that throughout my entire life, time has been my biggest fear. Time passes and there is nothing you can do to pause or slow it down. I never want to miss out on anything. You see, time was taken from me at the age of 4, 10, 17 and 21 through various hospitalizations. I missed out on school, high school graduation, birthdays, weddings, and just plain old being a kid, and death is tied to time. Death, here on earth, is the end of time you get to spend with that person. The not knowing when. Seeing the people you love suffer and knowing you can’t do anything to help them is tearing me up inside. I pray for my family everyday. I feel the loss and sadness of others. To my family, I am Jiminy Cricket, but now I need my own and maybe speaking my truth will help. Although I look like I have it all put together, grief is taking over my body, and I am afraid that time will slip through my clenched fist.